Getting close...

Ok... So not exactly "close"
but close is a relative term anyway.
let's be more exact.
it is getting closer... closer... closer...
these past few years have flown by...the next two months will pass in a comparative instant.
so much to do.
not the least of all being SAVE MY MONEY AND PAY OFF MY BILLS.
and all i want to do is spend money on things i don't need...
this constant need to own, consume, and have more, more, more...
i used to think i could escape it, and i'm sure there is a way to... but to date, i have not discovered it.
and it's not like i haven't tried.
it seems as though i am perpetually living in two worlds.
one where i accept that material possessions and physical characteristics and status and money and blah blah blah don't bring happiness... but on the other hand it is impossible to avoid a world full of these things, these very fun- but not satisfying, things.
somedays i feel it would be easier if i just didn't know any better.
like if i could just say "fuck it, i'm going to make some money and do all the things i want to do to please myself."
and just not know any better.
not have any clue of the bliss that comes along with altruistic endeavors.
not have any clue of the happiness and peace that serving others brings (although, i suppose, by definition, that makes them selfish deeds if you do them to get a self-pleasing benefit... but that is another whole topic that i don't feel like going into right now)
but alas, i can not do this.
so here i am.
without possibility of ever being rich or fully conceding to materialism due to a self and environmentally conditioned mindset...
but unable to fully give up things of this world due to an inability to get away from them.
but like i said.
it is all realtive anyways.
all in comparison.
i find it crazy how just standing next to someone can change your own perception of yourself.
even with a physical attribute as irrelevant as height.
normally, i feel.. well normal... the taller side of normal.
taller than most, but not extremely so.
but put me next to a 5'10" girl, and i will literally feel inferior.
short.
tiny.
weak.
did i change heights?
no. just my view of myself in relation to others...which sometimes i fear, is the only view of myself i have...
but i digress, i do that from time to time...
what was my point?
oh yeah, all relative.
sigh, i am tired of writing now.
maybe i will complete my disjointed thoughts at a later date...
yeah, probably not.
they will only become more disjoined and random.
and thats why you love me.
:-)