only me

so things like this could happen to anyone.
but like my mom has been saying for years "yes tracy, it could happen to anyone, but it always only seems to happen to YOU."
why this is...well i don't know.
ok. yes i do.
partly.
even though i know i am not unintelligent in the conventional sense, as i'm quite aware that my brain has the capacity to understand and process large concepts such as morality, and spirituality, and other things of that sort, I still perpetually do some of the freaking stupidest things in the entire world.
like i don't know how i have lived this long on earth sometimes with my stupid actions.
it's weird though, because everytime i get myself into just completely ridiculous situations, my butt always somehow gets saved. like there is an angle on my shoulder or something.
i'm not talking like i do anything really wrong mind you.
i just do duuuuummmmb things.
i'm not even going to say what i did tonight because it was so stupid i'm actually a little embarrassed about it.
but just know that there probably isn't another dumb ass in this entire country who this would have happened to.
just me.
lucky me.
anyway, i'm not going to say anything more about it because if i had to estimate, i'd say it was probably 15 times more stupid than when i thought i set my host family's house on fire, but had really just filled it up with smoke from a pot of oil in the left over grease in the oven that i had accidentally turned on.
But don't worry, I have more stories from the weekend to share with you, because, well, these are also the kinds of things that fit into the 'why does this crap always seem to happen to you" category.
friday, i stayed in sofia in a hostel.
before i headed back to kraynitsi and my host family for the holidays, i met a lady from the ukraine who was staying there at the hostel with me.
as i was packing my bag we started chit chatting about the weather, which lead me to ask how long she was going to be in sofia, which lead her to tell me about how she just bought a house in bulgaria for 10,000 dollars, which lead us to talking about money and her grown son and daughter, which lead to one topic after another.
to make a long story short, our conversation ended up with both of us peridocially becoming slightly emotional and teary eyed about the state of affiars in the world and the mindset of the majority of people, and superficiality and irrelevance of material possessions, and living your life for a cause and never giving up and so on and so forth.
wonderful person. one of those people who you meet only breifly but never forget.
flash forward to today.
i was late to the train station (shocked, aren't you.) anyways, so i just made my train, but i didn't know where to sit. some guy who looked to be about my age helped me with my bag into his train car where there was about 5 people but a couple of empty seats.
we started talking and he spoke some english.
one of the first things out of his mouth is asking if there were a lot of jews in america. which was followed shortly by how much he hates them.
fantastic. i just knew this was going to be a simply stunning 5 hour train ride.
anyways, i asked if he even knew any jewish people.
no, but he knew that he didn't want to.
funny, i said. i actually KNOW jewish people. and i like them.
weird how the world works like that.
he said that he just felt it in his gut that they were bad.
riiiiight.
well i get gut feelings too. i felt in my gut that i wanted to throw up all over this guys face. amazing how this whole gut feeling thing is different for everybody...
anyways.
so he talkes some more of the same, you get the idea.
and again to make a long story short he managed to bring up his hatred for communists, roma, and question me on my feelings toward the klu klux klan. apparentally disagreeing with my opinion, told me that they were a part of my country's history that i should be proud of.
and the weird thing is, nobody in the train car thought this was weird.
ok, so i'll give them the benefit of the doubt, the conversation was half in english.
but the whole english excuse only works for half by story, becuase shortly after this his friend who had been passed out for hours woke up, immediatly started drinking his 2 liter bottle of beer, and then took off his shirt to proudly display his swastika tatoos, nobody even looked twice.
except to have a slightly amused smile on their face.
WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE?????
so his friend sits back down again, and starts talking about american pigs.
and how he doesn't like americans in general.
then he started talking about how they shouldn't let anybody into this country at all. not other europeans, not americans, no one.
luckily, this all happened right before plevin, which was their stop. but before my travel companions exited the train, he did us the favor of taking off his shirt once more to get another view of his body art.
which was very thoughtful of him, as i was able to notice a lot of lovely details that i didn't before.
such as the huge freaking NAZI tatooed on his stomach.
and the word "skinhead" tattooed cleverly on, get this, his head.
get it? skinhead. on the head.
yes, this one was witty.
anyways, he proceeded to put his face right up mine a few times with this drunken creepy look of somebody who is too intoxicated to focus and goes with a low drunken voice "amerikanka". then he tells his friend to tell me that he hates americans.
um, don't bother buddy, i got it the first time when you said it.
your friend doesn't have to translate for me.
and still NOBODY DOES ANYTHING!
and then, their stop came, and all except one lady and me were left in the car.
and, to reiterate my point, NOBODY DID ANYTHING.
(except his friend a few times who told him to stop, the one i was originally talking to)
who also, by the way, put on his coat to go and proudly pointed out that his coat was ralph lauren. an american brand.
"bravo na teb" i sarcastically replied.
which pretty much means "good for you"
are you kidding me? you let your friend go off on his drunken i hate americans and everyone else rant and then you switch to english and point out your stupid brand name coat???
Oh yes, and I forgot to mention that he also invited me to plevin, to hang out and listen to his band. this wasn't the tattoed one, but the other one, who apparentlly doesn't hate americans in general, only religious and political minorities, or more than one person of any given nationality in his country.
as he pointed out to me. "see, you, for instance. you are american. you seem like a really nice girl. but if there would start to be more than one of you here, i would start to hate that too"
awww, geee... is that how you always ask people out on dates for new years??
but, you would be proud of me. becuase even though i do stupid stuff a lot, i am actually getting a bit better about keeping my mouth shut.
yes, this could be due to the fact that i don't speak bulgarian.
but you don't know HOW much i wanted say to the tattooed one as he left "if you only like things that are bulgarian, then why do you have english tattooed all over your body?" (which i was amazed to realize, i actually could have said.)
but i didn't.
because there was absolutely nothing that could have been gained from a comment such as that.
i realized this.
but why the heck nobody else in the train car said anything, ANYTHING, is just so amazing to me.
back in the states, that would never happen.
i mean, NEVER.
if a drunken skinhead was going off about how much he hated foreigners right in front of one, please believe that nobody would be silent about that.
but, i also i want to continue believing that the majority of other bulgarians wouldn't either. i have meet way too many wonderful people here and i'm sure that i just had some really bad traveling luck today.
but seriously, what is wrong with world?
*as a warning, i'm going to continue to ramble off on another, only slightly related tangent*
when i was in college there was this show on the local public access show in east lansing called the john mattenopolus show.(or something like that, it has been so long now i forget)
i have no idea if it is still on or not.
anyway, this guy was an unta-ultra-ultra conservative (i'm not talking republican here), homophobic, misogynist, who i can only assume was a racist as well, since, why the heck not? if you are going to hate one, hate 'em all, right?
anyways, so this guy had/has this tv show.
my roomate todd used to watch it every week and just get soooo pissed about it.
i was always like "todd, why do you watch that crap? you know it just pisses you off?"
this was before saw it.
i watched one episode.
i was so angry that i literally stabbed a fork into a pillar in our kitchen. or maybe it was a knife, i forget (or maybe i remember but don't want to sound like a psycho...)... anyways, the point is, i was mad.
like enraged.
i couldn't believe this guy was for real.
how could an actual person not only hold these beliefs, but broadcast them on television (albeit, east lansing public television)
i ended up convincing myself that maybe he was actually really a liberal person who only had this show to get liberals fired up and passionate again.
make people remember what they believe by agitating them.
(this isn't true, this guy actually exists and is as horrible as he appears in his program)
but regardless, his program was quite effective, although in the opposite way he intended.
no, i never for one second started to view things his way. all it did was solidify my own already held beliefs and pissed me off enough to get even more passionate about them.
so in the same way did the nazi skinheads in the train.
except the completely passive lack of reaction from the other passengers in my train-car was so disappointing that it essentially lowered my opinion of humanity and made me want to run back to america, where even if people are being crappy, at least i can open my mouth and say something halfway articulate.
but then i remember the lady from the hostel.
her opinion on people becoming jaded from life, is that they never actually cared in the first place.
and if she can escape her country of birth due to political oppression, live in 5 different countries, be thrown into the same situations as me where she doesn't know the language, and still manage to live half a century with her convictions still intact...well, then i can definitely withstand some ignorant comments and a little american bashing without help from the apathetic onlookers.
i'm a big girl.
situations like that i can handle.
although i sure do appreciate my guardian angle for the other idiotic conundrums i get myself into of my own accord.

That last statement would make a lot more sense if i actually had told the story i'm referring to at the beginning of this entry.
maybe someday.
when i don't feel like such a jackass about it anymore.

ok, well i am absolutely exhausted now.
and i'm sure that anyone who has even attempted to start reading this has without a doubt given up long ago.

so good night,
merry day after christmas.
i love love love love love you.
and i miss you guys so much.
good night.

-tracy